Letter from the Portland War Front (humor about something deadly serious)
My dearest wife,
It is week two of the Siege of Portland, and still these barbarians will not yield to our troops. We have severed the cords of their latte machines but they are making cowboy coffee in their camps, where loud ukulele songs of resistance even now drift in on the breeze. Our platoon has foraged for bush food, and is now forced to live on cacao nibs and gluten-free bagels, though Lieutenant Knickerbocker believes he knows where he can raid some salmon jerky. Not an Arby's is in sight, and the grumbling of my stomach is part of this ordeal. A mere child has from afar ruined our stew with her banana-slug catapult.
My love, this is not the enemy our fearless leaders advised us to expect, in that they are all pale, even pasty, but defiant or rather not defiant but interested in longwinded discussion of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, which our officers will not engage in as long as the enemy wears t-shirts blaspheming against our Lord and our leader. Nevertheless three of our men have defected: one lured by a tarot reading and a promise of dry socks, two went off to shut down a drag show and never returned.
My own faith has been shaken by the discovery that Antifa merely means anti-fascist, and is not an organized terrorist group, but my commanding officer will not address what it means to be anti-anti-fascist. On the other hand, I have heard that "pollinator garden workshop" is a code name for dangerous assembly, and that "brunchista" is yet another such pseudonymous appellation.
A Golden Retriever has stolen my ammo belt, undoubtedly trained to do so by these infidels.. Will it never stop raining?
I remain, your devoted husband,
Ezekiel
p.s. Mother says I should retain a lawyer lest I be given unlawful orders, which Private Johnson (the one who defected to the Mossy Maidens Ultimate Frisbee team earlier) says we were following all along. Can you compose a missive to Cousin Isaiah to ask whether he would oblige?
Seriously, everyone, this is as malevolent as it is ridiculous, this threat to invade Portland militarily. It's striking that witht this administration , the more extreme it becomes, the more unpopular it becomes, but the more unpopular it becomes the more extreme it becomes. They clearly want a violent civil war and are trying hard to get one; progressive pro-Constitution America doesn't want one, but I believe that's who'd win one.
Even the Portland police think ICE is out of control. https://www.oregonlive.com/crime/2025/09/federal-cops-instigating-confrontations-with-protesters-outside-ice-building-portland-police-official-says-in-court.html?fbclid=IwY2xjawNFL9RleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBicmlkETFEeko4TE9IMDd5RVpaSEFBAR4jvzy1d4slz9ckm7RmOVnpZJ3ipsqDQ18vAOOENCYQ8bE5ESnDGk7ml3y2rg_aem_qCBZn43jitzyVWrbOnaoWg
More soon, but I thought I'd share this thing I scribbled this morning with you al.
